See the real me?

"To me you are Heaven's finest invention by far.  So much brighter than the brightest star. And what I'd give to make you see who you are to me" Matthew West

I needed this today and I love it when lyrics hit me right where I am.  I have heard this song many times over and it never resonated with me as being the one who needed to hear it.  It was always from the aspect of telling it to someone else to show them their worth!  

I have spent the last few months being so incredibly lonely.  In my new job, I am surrounded by new faces, and I feel as though no one really knows me.  They are all busy and so am I and to this day there are so many people I hardly recognize there.  It is a strange feeling too because I left a job where I knew everyone and was the socialite that introduced the new folks and helped everyone feel welcomed. So this change is hard in and of itself.

And at the same time, those who do know me really well and have watched the last year plus of my life seem to be afraid to be around me.  Either because they are struggling and think it is a burden to share with me, or because life has just been busy and they are unavailable or maybe God is pulling me away from this world and drawing me closer to him.  I don't know or understand it all, but I can be in the middle of a crowded room and feel like I am the ONLY one there.  Others can be talking and carrying on a conversation and being friendly, but I have this overwhelming sense that they have no desire to talk to me and I have nothing to say so I retreat to a lonely place inside myself and simply smile at them and move on.

This is exaggerated by the fact that my precious children have been gone off and on all summer doing wonderful things and spending time with grandparents, friends and camps.  So, I do realize that some of this is because of that.  However, the feeling has really been there for about 3 months.

Now, I know these things and feelings that I have are not true.  But the feelings are still VERY real.  Have I become more recluse and introverted because of my circumstances?  I was always an outgoing introvert and I am wondering if this life hasn't started to change me in some ways.  Do I just have such a different outlook on the world around me that I am more comfortable being quiet rather than being the life of the party and does that feel good and bad to me all at the same time?  

These are the musings in my head.  I really do love my life.  I am grateful for the growth I am experiencing.  I know God has a greater plan.  I know that I am loved by many.  But I don't know how to deal with this feeling of loneliness.  So as I learn to lean into my Heavenly Father who thinks I am one of His finest inventions, I will try to remember that He sees me.  He is my friend when no one else is around and He will heal the hurts and heartaches that this world has bestowed upon me like a heavy blanket that I cannot throw off.  And with His help I will trade in my spirit of heaviness for the garment of praise.  And maybe I can help someone else along the way too. 

So here's to anyone out there who feels the same way.  TO ME YOU ARE ONE OF HEAVEN'S FINEST INVENTIONS BY FAR - and I say so! And if you need a friend...come hang out with me and God and we will kick that feeling to the curb.