PIllar of Shame

I recently visited Zadar, Croatia, for a conference. I felt an instant connection with this remarkable city for many reasons, not least of which is the fact that we both share a tumultuous yet resilient history filled with trials, and yet she remains more beautiful than ever. I spent a day touring the city, exploring buildings that appeared to belong to one era, only to find that their additions came from an earlier period. The remnants from wars and ruins had been repurposed to create new, beautiful spaces for art, coffee, and even places of worship.

However, the strongest impression that day came from a pillar known as the Pillar of Shame. Our guide explained that this was where officials brought criminals, forcing them to wrap their arms around the pillar, tied to spikes on either side, so passersby could mock, throw rotten food at, and humiliate them for their sins.

He mentioned the Pillar of Shame multiple times throughout the tour, but as we approached it, I felt a heaviness in that courtyard. The weight of shame so many suffered in public for their wrongdoings was almost overwhelming, nearly bringing me to the point of nausea.

Unless you are Brené Brown (which I most certainly am not), discussing shame in a public forum like this can be challenging. However, I couldn’t help but put my thoughts on paper, as I was profoundly moved by what I felt and learned that day.

Brené defines shame as an intensely painful feeling or experience stemming from the belief that we are flawed and, therefore, unworthy of love and belonging.

The people who committed crimes and were sent to the Pillar of Shame may have deserved their punishment, but standing in that courtyard, I felt the echoes of years of individuals being left there, feeling fundamentally flawed and unworthy of love. I sensed the deep loneliness that comes from disconnection. It was truly overwhelming.

How many of us feel ashamed of things we have done or things that have been done to us?

How many would admit that it’s hard to believe we deserve a second chance?

How many feel that their past disqualifies them from ever being seen, valued, or loved?

Standing there, I experienced the isolation that shame brings into our lives. In my own life, I am currently grappling with these feelings in my professional arena, having once again been cast aside and left with a sense of unworthiness and incapability in pursuing what I know I was meant to do.

It's just business.

It's not personal.

It is what it is.

These are phrases I have often heard, and while I understand them, as I stood in that courtyard facing the Pillar, I found myself wrestling with the shame of failure.

The good news is that I know God is sovereign.

I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

I fully understand what my unique contributions are and how I add value to organizations.

I am resilient.

I am favored.

I will survive.

And I will thrive.

For those who have not yet reached that space, know that shame does not have to take over. 

You can prevail. You can rise from the ashes and soar to great heights. 

If you need someone to help you move from the courtyard of shame to the mountaintop of triumph, reach out to me. 

Together, we can soar to new heights.

See the real me?

"To me you are Heaven's finest invention by far.  So much brighter than the brightest star. And what I'd give to make you see who you are to me" Matthew West

I needed this today and I love it when lyrics hit me right where I am.  I have heard this song many times over and it never resonated with me as being the one who needed to hear it.  It was always from the aspect of telling it to someone else to show them their worth!  

I have spent the last few months being so incredibly lonely.  In my new job, I am surrounded by new faces, and I feel as though no one really knows me.  They are all busy and so am I and to this day there are so many people I hardly recognize there.  It is a strange feeling too because I left a job where I knew everyone and was the socialite that introduced the new folks and helped everyone feel welcomed. So this change is hard in and of itself.

And at the same time, those who do know me really well and have watched the last year plus of my life seem to be afraid to be around me.  Either because they are struggling and think it is a burden to share with me, or because life has just been busy and they are unavailable or maybe God is pulling me away from this world and drawing me closer to him.  I don't know or understand it all, but I can be in the middle of a crowded room and feel like I am the ONLY one there.  Others can be talking and carrying on a conversation and being friendly, but I have this overwhelming sense that they have no desire to talk to me and I have nothing to say so I retreat to a lonely place inside myself and simply smile at them and move on.

This is exaggerated by the fact that my precious children have been gone off and on all summer doing wonderful things and spending time with grandparents, friends and camps.  So, I do realize that some of this is because of that.  However, the feeling has really been there for about 3 months.

Now, I know these things and feelings that I have are not true.  But the feelings are still VERY real.  Have I become more recluse and introverted because of my circumstances?  I was always an outgoing introvert and I am wondering if this life hasn't started to change me in some ways.  Do I just have such a different outlook on the world around me that I am more comfortable being quiet rather than being the life of the party and does that feel good and bad to me all at the same time?  

These are the musings in my head.  I really do love my life.  I am grateful for the growth I am experiencing.  I know God has a greater plan.  I know that I am loved by many.  But I don't know how to deal with this feeling of loneliness.  So as I learn to lean into my Heavenly Father who thinks I am one of His finest inventions, I will try to remember that He sees me.  He is my friend when no one else is around and He will heal the hurts and heartaches that this world has bestowed upon me like a heavy blanket that I cannot throw off.  And with His help I will trade in my spirit of heaviness for the garment of praise.  And maybe I can help someone else along the way too. 

So here's to anyone out there who feels the same way.  TO ME YOU ARE ONE OF HEAVEN'S FINEST INVENTIONS BY FAR - and I say so! And if you need a friend...come hang out with me and God and we will kick that feeling to the curb.

Mixed emotions (this post is mostly for me to remember)

 It has been a whirl wind "almost" month.  I have not written about it all because I have been just living day to day and working and helping friends and trying to enjoy the precious moments I have been given.  I am more aware of the brevity of life and I am grateful every day for each breath I take and the ability to move around as I so choose and for my overall health.  Here is the timeline of the last month:

• February 23rd, 2015 - Began the journey of exploring dreams, bringing in accountability and engaging with a life coach to bring them to life
• February 25th - Dad in hospital in Tampa with a 6.5 cm tumor in lungs and 1500 cc's of fluid removed
• February 26th - Met my new boss for the first time while still trying to process what the future may hold for my dad
• March 4th - Mom and Dad home WITH trailer in tow
• March 5th - Dad in hospital again - in Atlanta this time - tumor was 8 cm at only one week later with lesions on spine
• March 6th - Diagnosis received - Stage 4 Small Cell Neuro Endocrine Carcinoma.  Milestone achieved - husband worked a full 5 days WHILE taking care of the kids and home while I spent time with my dad (talk about a roller coaster day!)
• March 7th - 9th - Chemo given to dad in the hospital and I stayed with him
• March 17th - Dad back in hospital with chest pains dude and I spend the night

Today is March 23rd - it is exactly 51 weeks to the day since my husband had a brain stem stroke and I am beginning to really dislike the month of March, since it seems to be a recurring theme that my family is spending multiple nights in the hospital during this month.

I have so many emotions running around in my head and heart and it has been a challenge to organize them into something logical, verbal and into consumable information - gratitude to meltdown mode and everything in between.  Some days are better than others and it is still amazing to me the things that will make me cross the line and spill over into a tear-filled fit.

• Hearing my dad pray while in the hospital bed and singing to God
• Him wanting to live and bring his boys back together.  
• Laughing about wanting a real Bday party this year!
• Milestones with Adam at work for 5 days
• Taking care of kids and family responsibilities
• Hearing my son pray for my dad to encourage him and ask for healing - WOW!
• Watching a father/daughter dance at a wedding and being grateful that my husband is still alive and may be able to do this one day - God willing of course.
• Deploying a friend's website
• Feeling loved and lonely all at the same time

All I can say in the middle of all of this is God is good ALL the time and ALL the time God is good.

Lonely? Welcome to the Club

Unlovely.  Unseen. Lonely.

Life can throw you under the bus - many times over.

It's true, you know it is.  I have seen it happen over and over again.  And it can leave you feeling unloved, unseen and lonely.  Welcome to the club no one wants to talk about and the enemy certainly doesn't want you to share with.

Lonely.