Significant Six

Six years ago our lives changed forever.

Six years ago our story would become a new normal.

Six is just shy of seven - the number that signifies completion.

Six is today's anniversary.

March 30th marks six years since our imperfect, incomplete and yet indestructible lives were significantly altered.

I began to wonder today about the number six and what the Bible might offer about this very significant milestone as we remember that God is still good and we fight to find the victory each day.  I noticed two major patterns when I searched through mentions of this number in the passages I read.

Six is the number of man and a reminder of our weaknesses.

• On the sixth day God created man.
• In six days God created the world.
• On the sixth day of passover, all sins and judgements were restored.

Six comes before rest.

• The fourth commandment tells us we should work for six days and rest on the seventh.
• God also commanded the Israelites to harvest the land for six years and let it rest the seventh year.

In the six years since the stroke, my family has become increasingly aware of our weaknesses and need for God's strength to make it through each day and sometimes each moment.  In the past six years we have strived, often driven by our own strength rather than relying on God's, to make things move forward, to see progress and to pass milestones and maybe, just maybe, we are headed for a season where we learn to rest like we never have before.  

Significant six reminds me that if I rely on Him, through my weakness, He is made strong and that if history and God's commandments are true, rest is coming!

So we will enjoy the significance of six and prepare for seven.

Spinning. Turning. Twirling. Falling. Joyfully?!

When I was a little girl I loved the feeling of spreading my arms out wide and spinning around in circles until I could no longer stand up straight.  It was an amazing experience void of inhibitions and full of life, laughter and trust that the world would eventually get back to "normal" even if it never felt like it.

Having experienced the life shattering chaos that one's family undergoes when someone survives a life threatening stroke, the spinning, turning, twirling and falling that happens to one's marriage and family, can certainly make you feel like the only thing normal in your life is that of the setting on your dryer in your laundry room labelled "normal".

Balancing marriage, family, work and ministry can certainly feel unsettling at best and disruptively disturbing and worst. On your best days you may look - and even feel - as though you have it all together.  But on those bad days, where the world starts spinning out of control, you may find yourself questioning everything - all that you see and certainly everything you cannot see.

Faith seems hard to find on those days. 

Peace is hidden from your heart and soul.

Joy falls by the wayside into utter disbelief that the world will never make sense again.

There are other times, when you feel those things - and rightfully so - but the joy never ceases.  Why is that?  Resiliency is what I think makes the difference.  How does one become resilient? Can you decide to be resilient or is it something you are born with?

I don't have the answers to those questions, but I can tell you one thing that helps me to keep the twirling fun - LAUGHTER. 

An amazing person in my life once said..."if it is funny later, it is funny now" and I have chosen to live by that rule ever since I heard it.  And let me tell you, there are so many things that have happened post stroke that are absolutely absurd, you cannot NOT laugh later, so we choose to laugh in the middle of the chaos while falling.

Take our recent trip to Colorado...

My husband was not feeling well on the day that we were traveling to Colorado.  We doctored him up the best we could, but the situation was unnerving to say the least.  We arrived in Denver and in the chaos of tending to his needs, we managed to get off the plane, pick up our luggage, get in the bus to the rental car lot, pack the car with our luggage, drive an hour and a half in a snow storm to pick up our skis and groceries for the next 12 hours, drive to the cabin, unload the car in the snow, only to realize that the MOST IMPORTANT of all the bags we packed for my husband was left on the plane.

Now, you will often hear me say "You can't make this stuff up!" And it is so true.  His medicines, cell phone, iPad, - everything he needed for the trip for his own entertainment as well as his well being was in that bag! 

I stood there for a moment, shook my head, said a prayer of thanksgiving that we found it and no one had taken it, and then said well, you can't make this stuff up and we have a new story to tell!

Resilient?  You bet!

I choose to remember that this world is not really that shaky, because despite the spinning, turning, twirling and even falling - my God is sovereign.  He holds me steady.  He has a sense of humor. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will take care of all my needs - even when it means He has to protect the precious cargo that I left in the hands of the airlines instead of having my head on straight to remember all three suitcases, three - not two - back packs, two sets of ski boots, a cane, two teenagers and my husband in the first place!

So is this normal? It is to me.  I keep bouncing along, looking at the world as fraught with danger, but knowing that most of the time, the God of the universe is spinning these unbelievable stories into my blessings and let's face it - favor ain't fair - and I am ok with that.  I will keep spinning, turning, twirling and resiliently laughing with joy.  I am safe in my Father's arms...even when I fall down. 

Independence Day has a whole new meaning

Since we just celebrated the Independence of this great nation, WITH LEGAL FIREWORKS I might add, I took some time to think about what it means to celebrate independence in my own life.  This year has provided many opportunities to reflect on things that my family needs to celebrate the independence they have received from the circumstances each of us lives under.  For example, we are now grateful for the independence from:

• Chemotherapy treatments - my dad finished round 6 just before this fabulous holiday
• The lingering effects of a brain stem stroke - we are experiencing changes for the good even to this day
• The feeling of loneliness and even darkness from the hard circumstances of life - God is turning the mourning into joy

So as I celebrated the holiday with my daughter and my forever friend, while my husband and son were on an amazing adventure, I began to rejoice in the independence we are all experiencing as we embrace each new day of this new normal in life. 

Meanwhile, as I was giving thanks for all these blessings, God displayed His glory and favor to me - as only he can.  My son was at a USA Football camp all week with my husband.  It was the first time they have traveled together alone since the stroke.  Adam managed the day to day tasks, encouraged our son when things were hard and even got to celebrate the 4th of July in an amazing way.

Our son finished camp by playing a football game on the Hall of Fame field in Canton, Ohio - ON THE FOURTH OF JULY - where he had numerous great punts and even scored a PAT (see video) and putting a point on the board for his team who ended up winning the game!  It was a momentous occasion that I am sure he has not even realized the full weight of yet - but one day he will be able to recant that story as one of his glorious moments in life.  After he scored the point, his teammates all lifted him on their shoulders and carried him off the field.  It had been a difficult week for both of my guys, but that one moment made it all worth it!

So what do you need independence from today?  Fear? Doubt? Insecurity? Disease? God is able to give independence from all those and so much more.  Ask and believe and see what He can do for nothing is impossible with God!  

Thank you Lord for carrying us through the dark days and providing a way to celebrate our independence from the darkness of this world through the little - and big - victories we achieve every day.

Unexpected Blessings

Recently, while tucking my daughter in one evening, we had a precious conversation that went something like this:

Her: I love you Mommy.
Me: I love you too.
Her: You are the best mommy in the whole world.
Me: Well thank you!  Why is that?
Her: Because you love me, you play with me, you take me to wonderful places and on great adventures. You are awesome!

Now, I am by no means a perfect mom.  That would be my best friend, whom I lovingly coined my "mom hero", who on her very worst days, still manages to make homemade birthday cakes that would make any professional baker jealous, runs her kids everywhere AND creates science experiments for them out of the normal everyday life we live in and all while teaching, working, home schooling and doing it all with a smile on her face! SHE is AWESOME.

Me, I am just an average, every day mom, wife, marketing professional, friend and well, all around blessed woman facing sometimes difficult circumstances, but all the while knowing there is a reason and purpose for this crazy life I lead.

But here is the best part of that whole conversation with my baby girl.  It was an unexpected blessing.  I didn't ask for it, prompt her to say something nice or buy her affection in any way.  She just did it out of the overflow of her heart and she blessed me so much by sharing her heart with me in that quiet moment.

So why do I bring it up in this forum today?  Because the reality is that in order to be successful in this world as a mom, a teacher, a businessman or woman, you NEED people in your life to encourage you, listen to you, push you to excel and yes, even bless you unexpectedly.  It is like someone adding wind to your sails of success and propelling you into the next part of your day, season or journey. 

And when you take the time to be someone's unexpected blessing during the day with a kind word or deed, you can completely change their entire atmosphere and breathe life into an otherwise dull and dreary day.  So I am challenging you today to be the unexpected blessing in someone's life.  Give out of the overflow of your heart and watch carefully to see how your gift begins to change the world around you. 

In the end, I bet you begin to see more unexpected blessings in your own life too, so be sure to tell me about them so we can celebrate together.

After

After the day is done.
After the kids are in bed.
After the house is quiet.

That is when it happens.
I begin to wrestle with my inner self.
I argue over the things I said that day - or didn't say.
I call myself all the bad names I have for me...you know the ones that you never tell anyone else. The ones that only you and God know. The ones that hurt most and you feel as though if anyone knew what you were thinking or feeling they would either run and hide, or want to hide you away.

Yes.  After.  After the stormy day I feel exhausted and worn out.


But After the struggle, I let God tell me how He viewed the day.  The day He orchestrated for me, whether I was completely ignorant of His presence or if I was acutely aware of it. It is in the quiet moments of the late evening or early morning that He gently whispers in my ear and says, "You are mine.  I love you. You are worthy. You are precious."

And after He realigns my identity to be in step with His, He instructs, guides and shares with me the ways He would have me to go.  After the storm, comes the sun and for that I am truly grateful.

Giving thanks for discipleship - Day 21

I had a conversation tonight with a friend where discipleship was brought up.  I once read a great book The Cost of Discipleship and I recalled highlighting and underlining many of the good quotes when I read it, so tonight I went searching for the book.  I could not find my copy of the book from the move - it is probably with the disc golf equipment, the rabbit ears and many other items that we cannot seem to locate these days - but I found some of them on the internet and it got me to thinking.

I realized that I have been so richly blessed with people who could mentor, mold and point me to Jesus.  As I warm myself by the fire, I have been reminiscing about the wonderful, compassionate, Godly people who have helped me to become all that I am today.  You see, discipleship is active, not passive.  It requires time, effort and a willingness to press on even when you may not understand or believe you can go on.   

One of the quotes I found tonight speaks perfectly to this fact...“[God says] Discipleship is not limited to what you can comprehend - it must transcend all comprehension. Plunge into the deep waters beyond your own comprehension, and I will help you to comprehend even as I do. Bewilderment is the true comprehension. Not to know where you are going is the true knowledge. My comprehension transcends yours.”
― Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship 

You see, as humans we want to know all the answers and have the directions BEFORE we start the journey.  We want to know the plan, have the path mapped out and know exactly each step we are taking before we even lace up our shoes.  But one of the things my mentors have taught me is that many times I may not know the answer - EVER - and that I have to trust and believe that God is sovereign and His plan is perfect.  Thank you God for bringing people into my life to teach me that fact.  It has made it easier to walk this walk when I simply rest in the peace that you are taking me where I am supposed to go.  There is freedom in not knowing.  There is adventure and mystery and excitement. 

The other thing I have learned about this walk from my mentors is that it is hard.  We are not promised an easy road.  As a matter of fact we promised trouble, hardships, and struggles.  So with that being said, my life of discipleship has also been steeped in the knowledge that “When all is said and done, the life of faith is nothing if not an unending struggle of the spirit with every available weapon against the flesh.” - Dietrich Bonhoeffer.  So we must remember that this world we live in wars against our spirit and that we are not fighting flesh and bone but something much bigger.

Thank you to my "giants of the faith" who have invested in me, loved me, walked with me, cried with me, struggled with me, prayed for me and well, walked beside me as we shared in our discipleship of Christ.

Giving thanks for the quiet - Day 20

Ok, so I have totally blown the blog a day thing I planned...Thanksgiving took its toll on my writing time, but I still intend to do this thing, so I will continue even though today is the 26th of November...what can I say, sometimes, life is well, a little off kilter - and so am I - my friends can attest to that.

So today I mentioned being thankful for the quiet.  There are several facets to this one for me as it was a busy holiday week with family - and friends who might as well be family (you know who you are).  My house was full of food, fun, laughter, smiles, hugs, whining, coughs, stomach aches, tears and frustrated people.  Norman Rockwell might not use us as a model for one of his paintings, but alas they are my family and I love them all.  The other side to this coin is that I have since learned that I can actually survive without a cell phone.  Shocker I know.  But it is possible.

A few weeks ago, my cell phone died and I have been using a backup phone with limited capability, so the latest water incident was preceded by a kind of weening myself into having no phone whatsoever.  My back up phone is currently residing in a rice bed within the confines of a ziplock bag and we are hoping for a revival in the next day or so.  But truthfully, I am not holding my breath. 

But I actually have survived now for almost 2 whole days without the use of a cell phone.  No email, no facebook, no blogging, no pictures, nothing.  Just silence.  A long commute in the morning usually accompanied by conversations with my friends, instead lead to an extended prayer conversation with my daddy.  It was awesome.  I am looking at the silver lining of this situation to remind me that life existed before cell phones and continues to go on despite my lack of communication technology.

So now I am sitting in a quiet home where the laughter and tears have left their lingering sounds only in my mind and enjoying the fact that I have been given the very awesome opportunity to be still and know that He is God.  I also know that I can ride in silence with my thoughts and I will survive in what initially seems like the deafening quiet.  At first is seems to be so loud that I may never be able to drown out all the voices, but eventually, the still, small, quiet voice of the Lord breaks through and the sound is sweet to my soul.

Thank you Lord for this precious experience.  May I never forget it and always seek to spend quiet time with you.  And may I appreciate my communication technology even more whenever I have access to it again! 

Giving thanks for swiss cake rolls - Day 19

Ok, so I know it sounds silly to give thanks to a snack cake, especially in light of the recent issues with Hostess in the news this week...however, swiss cake rolls hold a profoundly prominent position in my life overall.

You see, when I was in high school, there was once this great lunch table.  It not only served its purpose in giving us a place to sit and eat - which was a great privilege to those of us who attended Mt. Paran the first year where we ate lunch in the balcony - but it also provided an environment that fostered a number of my friendships to become life long.

We were like most high schoolers really.  We laughed, teased, and fought for position.  But the lunch table was sacred turf.  It was where we came together to swap swag.  This is where the swiss cake rolls come in.

My forever friend, Fer Fer, always brought in swiss cake rolls.  And often (almost every day) Adam (my now husband) would try to con her out of them.  But she would eat one and save the other for me :)  She and I learned that we had a yin and yang kinda friendship.  It seems that we have opposite tastes in snack foods and we could share most things because I would always eat the things she didn't like and vice versa.  But we shared a love for the sacred swiss cake roll - much to my husband's dismay at the time!

We also determined that we shared some of the same idiosyncrasies that go along with eating certain foods.  And the swiss cake roll was no exception.  There is a fine art to properly eating one and she and I mastered it.  I shall save that for an in person story ;)

But this weekend that sweet husband of mine brought swiss cake rolls home and it is so funny how something so silly can trigger all those emotions and memories.  Memories of a precious few years that we spent in our youth learning who we were so we could become who we are.  Memories of the man I would one day marry and the friends that I still have in my life today.

So today, I am grateful for the swiss cake roll, as it stands as a symbol of all the fun and wonderful times I knew from my lunch table.

Oh and by the way, I did just eat one - the proper way!