Who are you and what is your dream?

I was sitting in my closet because that's where I hide when life gets overwhelming and it is too cold to sit on the deck.  I once again found myself struggling between two realities.  The reality of feeling frustrated with my current situation and lack of dreams for my life and the reality of being thankful for the wonderful blessings that have come not just over the last few months, but over the course of my entire life.  I have so very much to be thankful for, I really do.  But I was struggling with how to reconcile the human emotion of "frustration" with the fact that "I should be grateful because it could be so much worse".  I sat there feeling like a total failure.

I seem to live in that place more often than I care to admit even to myself yet I am more aware of my emotions, thoughts and the fact that God still has me in the palm of His hand than I ever have been before.   And as I sat there, my mind drifted to images of one of my friends.  I began to let my thoughts wander down an all to familiar path of comparison instead of remembering that Paul says I should be content in all things.

You see my friend, whom I don't see or talk to enough, has taught me so much about how to live between the now and the not yet...how to hope and cope with life's possibilities and realities all from a distance.  She is amazing.  Her life is an overflowing passion of living life to the fullest in spite of current circumstances.   She exudes the love of Jesus while still allowing her human-ness to be seen by those around her.  She is by no means perfect.  But she is being perfected.  Her life has touched me in a way that I can barely express in words.  And as I sat there in my closet struggling with how to be more like her, to believe like her and to dream like her, God spoke to me.

"You are not her."

Duh! (I am pretty sure I even said that out loud.)

I didn't even know how to begin to deal with THAT reality.

I know I am not her, I know I am unique and that my purpose is different from hers.  That God has us walking similar paths to encourage one another, but that in no way are we expected to be just the same.  She is a wonderful expression of God and His love.  And so am I.  Yet somehow, I fell into the trap - a pit much like the one Joseph found himself - that allowed me to sink deeper into frustration with myself while trying to figure out how to be someone I clearly was not designed to be and failing miserably at it. 

So, my question to God became "Who am I really and what is my God-sized dream for this life?"

I waited.  And waited.  And waited.  It was hard to sit still, the silence almost deafening.

Slowly, I began to see images, promises, desires and yes even dreams. He showed me that my current circumstances are just temporary and that regardless of whether the healing process is completed in my husband on this earth or in heaven (it matters not which one - although he gave me hope there too), we have much to do to change the destiny of the next generation. I saw dreams come to life that I thought were dead.  He showed me that His plans for me are real.  They are perfect and they have a purpose that goes beyond just my family and me.

In that moment, I no longer felt the need to compare myself to anyone else.  I had been given a glimpse of what God has in store for ME.  He did not show me everything I wanted to see and He did not tell me the whole plan, but He reminded me of my path and direction.  He renewed my spirit.  No longer did I feel "stuck" between two realities.

There is only one reality and it looks something like this:

This journey I am on is one to be taken seriously and not to be taken for granted. His will is perfect.  My responses are not. He is God. I am not. My job is to be the best I can be for Him, listening to His guidance, and walking with Him I will become a successful masterpiece for His glory.

Now, I have no idea how the things that I saw will all come to pass, but I do know that God is the God of big dreams.  He is the abundant, life-sustaining, resource provider that will make these dreams come true - IF I will be the woman He is calling me to be instead of trying to be a copy of someone else - no matter how wonderful they may be.

So what is your God-sized dream?  If you don't know, ask Him to reveal it to you and don't be surprised when He shows you. 

California Dreaming????

So this one never got posted and there is some fun stuff in here...so I am posting it now.

After an unbelievably long flight, I arrived in my hotel on the "wrong" coast at around 2:00 am Atlanta time.  I slept for about 4 hours before my phone started it's insidious pinging with emails, text messages and phone calls.  I awake to the craziness, trying to brush the cobwebs from my head, and find a way to handle the "emergencies" of the morning and I then I attempted to go back to sleep.  California dreaming right???  No dice.  So I started working and by the time lunchtime had come and gone without me eating, I decided to take advantage of the rest of the afternoon.

I was a lonely adventurer who set out by boarding the public bus where I quickly determined that chivalry is most certainly dead and I recommitted myself to instilling that character trait deep down into the soul of my son.  I sat on the floor of the bus for an hour as it drifted down the highway towards the beach.  There were several things that spoke to me throughout the day of gratitude, thankfulness and the fact that sometimes it is ok to be lonely.  

I was somewhat overwhelmed by the panhandlers in the city.  They were everywhere and it was a constant reminder to me that if people do not have meaning in their life, that is exactly what they look like on the inside.  They can be unclean, disorganized, sometime frantic, and always unsure of the future.  During this trip, God spoke to me that I should always remember to find a way to be thankful for the fact that I have a purpose.  I am loved.  I know the creator of the universe is in my corner and I have nothing to fear.

I finally made it to the beach where I was able to enjoy the sensation of the sand between my toes, the sun on my face and the wind in my hair.

The majesty of the ocean is always a welcome sight to both my physical eyes as well as my spiritual ones. It refreshes my soul.  It awakens that sense that the more things get messed up in life, the more God is able to reset everything to look new again. Just like the footprints in the sand are washed away with the tide.  It is a fresh start.  It is restoration - and it heals me. 

As I sat there taking in the beauty around me and appreciating the differences of this coast vs. the right coast, I pondered the last few months of my chaotic mess and I came to a few conclusions:

• Kids these days are really quite spoiled - Some parents let them rule the home and do not set things in order to train them to be the well rounded functioning adults that we need to have running the next generation.  So I set it in my heart to seek God daily to help me raise my children remembering the gifts they are but also honoring the one who created them so they will know their place and purpose in this world and respect others.
• A $10 day pass on a public transportation system will provide an amazing adventure filled with smiles, tears, scenery and even a decent slice of pizza.
• It truly is good to be lonely every now and again and I am learning to embrace those times so I can lean in further to my Abba Daddy and remember that I may be lonely, but I am NEVER alone.
• And finally, I was reminded of a friend who has a knack for wandering around meeting new people and trying new things.  I rarely do that when I get the chance to travel and for the first time I think I know what it felt like to be Corey and I thoroughly enjoyed it!

Thank you Lord for the freedom to be adventurous, to do some "California Dreaming" and then to remember that it is really all about you.  Everything I do is because of you, and that makes me smile - especially when I am dreaming.

Sleep Evasion

Sleep evades me tonight.

I have many projects going on around the house and it seems that between my job, the kids starting school, a new animal in the family and a wonderful new place to sit and think...well, I just can't seem to go to sleep.

I know that no one else out there has this problem.  And I KNOW it doesn't run in my family (wink wink)...but tonight feels different.

It is almost as though things are shifting in our lives and with that wonderful, odd sensation, there is an amazing sense of anticipation.

I wonder tonight if God is telling me to watch out.  Keep watch.  Anticipate.  Be excited. Pray.  Discern.  Look and Listen because I am up to something.

The winds of change are blowing.  I know not yet if they are gentle or forceful...but after the last week of insanity, I think they are hurricane style.  So tonight after I send these thoughts off into the computer world, I will batten down the hatches within my home and my mind and prepare for rain.  The kind of rain that drenches everything through and through.  And I will welcome them as the latter rains that will bring with them a harvest that is more than I can possible dream or imagine.

But once the sleep does come -  I pray that dreams of what is yet to be will invade my thoughts - and yours.  Because God is calling His people to let our imaginations run wild while He directs our path into the next season. 

I want to dreams dreams that only God can fulfill.  I want to achieve things no one says can be done.  Not so that anyone things I am anything special, but so that they can see that even if a silly sheep like me can do great things for the glory of God...so can they - no matter how young or old.  Let me be the example of what God can do with so little.

Good night my friends and may you dream big and sleep well.

Yours truly!